“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Yup….perfect score!
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.