Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.