It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.