[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney