Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
You Might Also Like
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?