“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?