Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My last name is Zilla.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
do what now??
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?