“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.