Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
what it’s like dating me:
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats