Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is