Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Important reminders
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
bout dat hot dog summer
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster