knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this