Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.