[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Sharon, call the vet
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.