” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.