Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
You Might Also Like
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
why I oughta
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
figuring out my emotional availability:
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Never let them know your next move 😂
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.