Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”