Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Does your wife know you’re single?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
inventing words: clothing
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …