Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he鈥檚
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
they should make stand up horror. i鈥檓 tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
At my 12yo鈥檚 school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 馃拃
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There鈥檚 an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
People at work: you鈥檙e hilarious,man
Family: you鈥檙e really funny
Friends: you鈥檙e the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you鈥檙e occasionally witty, but don鈥檛 quit your day job
Wife: you鈥檙e an idiot. that鈥檚 not funny.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I鈥檇 hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.