If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
fly smarter, not harder
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me