If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
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[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more