If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My work here is don’t.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
When ur friends with white people
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor