NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
You Might Also Like
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Siri: Retweet me.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.