Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future