I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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Added some new forms of payment to this store…
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
There’s always that one guy
Rt to bother an English speaker
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*