Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
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Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Hell yeah 👍
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
How dramatic are you?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.