A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird