In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.