Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
A Short Story.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
shampoo implies shampee
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.