once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
rise and shine we got egg
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know