50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb