Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I have so many questions.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.