email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
#CoronaOutbreak
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.