That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?