[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking