My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
You Might Also Like
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
No regrets in 2018
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
…u ok Nintendo?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating