teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
The Onion called it…again.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
What a chick magnet..
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?