*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
New menu item
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
emergency phone
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.