My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!