[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween