My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I hope this email finds you in a well
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁