Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.