Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I only treason on days ending in y
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”