Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
You Might Also Like
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
dictator is short for richard potato
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.