Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Hero horse inspires millions
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish