My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
c’mon!