Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
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“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Comparing yourself to others
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.