I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.