He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Meanwhile in Portland…
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.