“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Haha! 😂
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix